he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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