how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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