I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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