I'm sorry my penis didn't work
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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