Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
