1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
