you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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