Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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