her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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