I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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