T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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