I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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