I wish I could teleport
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
