Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
