Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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