And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
