we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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