Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
