You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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