She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
