I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
