she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
