Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
