you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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