my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
