update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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