Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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