so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
sex in a hospital.. check
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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