Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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