"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
