I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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