i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
