I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
