god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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