Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
