I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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