dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A+ Viking dick
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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