I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
