I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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