I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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