I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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