I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
