No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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