The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
