I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
