I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
