Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
