it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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