Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
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