I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
