3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
