I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
